Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
