Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
