I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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