Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
