You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
