My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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