I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
