I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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