i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
