No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
