so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
