I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
