there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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