grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
