i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
