sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
