When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
