Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
