remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
