he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
