update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
