between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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