i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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