It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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