Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
