even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
