i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
