my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
