Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
