She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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