dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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