the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
