Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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