I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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