census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
