i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
