this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
