Is it because I queefed?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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