Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You're breaking my sexual little heart
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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