You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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