When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
