Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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