Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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