I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
