Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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