Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
