Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
