they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
