Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You ate ashes out of my bong
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
