i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
