Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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