ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
