I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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