In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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