In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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