I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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