You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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