you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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