my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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