I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
