I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
